When self-care feels impossible: the struggles for parents raising autistic children
If you're the parent of an autistic child, you will know how complex and consuming the journey can be. Whether you’re navigating sensory sensitivities, communication challenges, meltdowns, sleep difficulties or school avoidance. Some children need round-the-clock care. It can feel relentless. While every family’s experience is different, one common thread is this: “I just don’t have time to look after myself.”
When we talk about self-care, it’s easy to picture bubble baths, spa days or long walks alone. And while those things can be lovely, it runs much deeper than that. It’s about protecting your mental health, setting boundaries, asking for help and giving yourself permission to rest. Real self-care might look like saying no to a lot more things in your life or making yourself vulnerable to the people around you so you can ask for help. For many of us, parenting can trigger all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts, emotions and reactions and sometimes we don’t understand where they are coming from. Finding a therapist or journaling can unpick these responses and help you tackle the very real challenges from a different standpoint.
What matters is that you are doing something that replenishes you and ideally helps you build resilience over time.
So why is it so hard to do?
Self-care often demands time, energy and focus — the very things in short supply when you're constantly meeting someone else's needs. Guilt also plays a role: parents often feel selfish taking a break when their child is struggling. There’s also the mental load of planning, therapies, school meetings, sensory accommodations — it’s not just busy; it’s emotionally charged.
For many of us, our nervous systems have been on high alert for years. Your body and brain go into survival mode. It’s incredibly hard to rest, reflect and make choices that support your wellbeing. Your system is too flooded with stress to access the very tools that you know might help. The usual advice around self-care can feel hollow. “Go for a walk” doesn’t mean much when your child is having a meltdown and you haven’t slept properly in days. It’s not a failure of willpower – it’s biology.
Start small
When things feel overwhelming, it can help to just focus on small, grounding steps that can help bring you back into your body during moments of stress. These are especially useful when your nervous system is in fight, flight or freeze mode. Here are a few of our favourites:
Hand on heart or belly: placing a warm hand on your chest or stomach can be soothing. It creates a sense of connection to yourself and signals comfort to your body.
Sighing or vagus nerve breaths: Take a slow, deep breath and let out a long, audible sigh. This helps activate the parasympathetic (rest and digest) system. Try three rounds.
Butterfly hug: Cross your arms over your chest, hands resting on your upper arms, and gently tap each side alternately. This bilateral stimulation can calm overwhelm.
Shake it out: Stand up and shake your arms, legs, or even your whole body for 30 seconds. This can help discharge tension and adrenaline from your system.
Talking can help
Caregivers of autistic children experience particularly poor levels of mental health. Post-diagnostic family support is inconsistent and often doesn’t address caregiver mental health. However, there is now evidence to support the use of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with carers of autistic children.
A trial was carried out to establish the effectiveness of a specific programme, Empower-Autism, in helping parents and carers of newly diagnosed autistic children. The results were published in The Lancet Psychiatry. Empower-Autism uses principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) – a therapeutic approach oriented around acceptance and mindfulness, helping people adapt to difficult situations, process complex thoughts and emotions as well as manage long term stress and uncertainty.
The trial found that the mental health and wellbeing of caregivers were significantly improved after 12 months. The programme improved their adjustment to the diagnosis, autism knowledge and family wellbeing.
To sum up
If you're finding it hard to prioritise your own wellbeing, you're not alone. But even the smallest acts of self-care can be meaningful. Start with a realistic target – perhaps it’s just five or 10 minutes a day that are dedicated completely to yourself. Use the time to explore the healthy habits that help you feel better, whether that’s listening to a podcast, exercise or talking to a friend. These acts of kindness towards ourselves are vital, for ourselves and our families.
*Through its AI chats, Hazel offers ACT-inspired support that’s compassionate, personalised and designed to help navigate stress, uncertainty and overwhelm one step at a time.
